Attachment theory centers on
how the ways we relate to others are based on the communications and
behaviours we exchange with our parents in the first years of life.
"
It’s 11:08 p.m. You’ve just gotten home
from a long work-day, a hard pump at the gym and a much needed game
night with your buddies (whom you see so rarely these days). As you walk
in your apartment door, you realise your iPhone is dead, so you rush to
your computer to see if there’s an email from the woman you’ve been
dating. Nothing. You plug in your phone. No texts either. It's strange
not to hear from her all day. Wait, you left a message yesterday but she
hasn’t returned that. So it’s been a couple days. This doesn’t feel
right. You’ve been dating for three weeks. She should at least return
your calls. What could she be up to?
A little Facebook stalking
tells you that she’s been out with girlfriends. Like she couldn’t have
called you from the car? Could there have been a guy with her? Now your
blood begins to boil. Is this chick playing you?
Then the next
day, when she finally does call, you are cold and detached. And you are
amazed that this confuses her. In fact, her insensitivity causes you to
bicker and you end up hanging up the phone on her. Afterward, you feel
bad. You really like this one. She’s hot and nice. So why did you push
her away?
Your feelings could be related to an anxious attachment style.
A
psychological injury called an "attachment disorder" has been the media
darling when it pertains to kids, parents and international adoptions.
But less is written about adult romantic attachment, the theater that
receives the ultimate payload of early-life attachment injuries.
Know
this: In our dating and mating lives, we all become infants. It’s where
we go to expose our tender vulnerabilities. This is good because
relationships are an exchange of care. Yet perfectly functional adults
walk among us, stumbling through the world of dating, mating and
relating, reliving their own preverbal, infantile
emotional traumas.
For some men and women, love brings as many feelings of anxiety as of
comfort, and psychologists refer to this as an anxious attachment style.
In fact, there’s a whole field of research on the range of attachment
styles, "attachment theory." To understand it, you need to take a look
at the history.
History of Attachment Theory
In the 1930s and 40s, an English physician named John Bowlby noticed
that when young children were hospitalised or separated from their
parents for long periods of time, the mothers reported that a very
“different” child came home. One that was unruly, aggressive or
depressed and detached.
Early
thinkers in attachment theory also included Canadian developmental
psychologist Mary Ainsworth and Berkeley researcher Mary Main. From them
came research done with infants and children that confirmed that a
trusted person -- an attachment figure -- offers an infant a secure
base. Met with consistent attention, affection and empathetic words, a
child will grow to trust the world and its relationships -- and will
eventually translate that feeling of trust to a romantic partner in
adult life. Early life attachments become a blueprint for future love.
John Bowlby thought that ties to the parent gradually become weaker as
the child grows older and the secure base function is slowly shifted to
other figures, eventually resting on one's mate.
Children grow up
to become lovers who attach in the same ways they were attached to
their parents. This is because our “attachment style” becomes part of
our personality. In fact, most people aren’t aware of their own
attachment style. Attachment theory centers on how the ways we relate to
others are based on the communications and behaviours we exchange with
our parents in the first years of life. These "messages" we receive
about how to love are then combined with our own interactions with each
parent to form an influential cognitive structure -- a hard-wired piece
of our personality.
When Attachment Goes Right
When early life attachments go well -- that is, when a baby is
treated with respect, attentiveness and not too much smothering --
people grow up able to have secure attachments, ones where they can give
and receive care comfortably. They don’t have large abandonment issues,
nor do they feel easily smothered and retreat into their cave. Men and
women with healthy attachment styles are comfortable with physical
touching, emotional intimacy and being alone at times. They know their
mate will return and be caring. They also have a degree of self-esteem
that is not dependent on their lover's reinforcement.
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And while people with anxious
attachment disorder crave closeness, they can also be surprisingly
terrified when they actually get what they crave.
"
When Attachment Goes Wrong
All this would be well and good if all babies and children were
responded to in a healthy way. Sadly, it’s estimated that less than half
the population has secure attachment behaviours. What's left is most of
us. We either have a tendency to avoid feelings and closeness, or a
confusing pattern of craving and mistrusting love -- in varying degrees,
of course.
People with anxious attachment disorder are vigilant
clock-watchers. As they are dependent on contact and affirmation from
their partner, they have an uncanny ability to sense if contact is
waning. They tend to be chronic checkers of technology, checking
voicemail, emails and texts with great frequency. They may also have a
need for constant texting.
They can also be easily prone to feelings of jealousy. They love and
respect their partners but are also wary that love may disappear.
And
while people with anxious attachment disorder crave closeness, they can
also be surprisingly terrified when they actually get what they crave.
We've all met or dated someone who sent us contradictory messages and
led us to believe that they were interested, only to disappear or behave
badly and send us running. People with anxious attachment disorder
don't trust that love is real or reliable, and so they often behave
badly when things feel too good.
Jealousy and Abandonment Fears -- The Dark Side of Anxious Attachment
So why did you get so crazy when your three-week girlfriend hadn't
called back in just one day? One of the grave symptoms of attachment
anxiety is a real sensitivity to abandonment. On some deep level you
really believed she could have died. Maybe you lost a parent in early
life, either to death or divorce, or perhaps as a tiny infant you were
left alone in a dark room to “cry it out” while hungry or wet. All these
things can make a person extra worried about abandonment.
Jealousy
is the other feature of anxious attachment that wreaks havoc on
romantic relationships. Sometimes a sudden jealous anger can be very
confusing. Imagine this scenario: A man has recently broken up with his
girlfriend of three years. Yet when he sees her
with another man
in a nightclub the day he’s laid off from his job, he struts over,
makes a scene and gets kicked out of the club for his aggressiveness.
His intellectual brain knew that they were broken up. In fact this is
what he wanted. But an attachment injury is a rupture in a relationship
at a critical moment of need. His emotional brain still looked to her as
his secure base, and, feeling vulnerable because of his job loss, he
was consumed with a jealous rage.
This, my friends, is a classic attachment injury. And it can make people behave in senseless ways.
How to Heal An Attachment Disorder
Can attachment disorders be healed? It’s one of the most frequently asked questions in my column for
DatingAdvice.com.
And my answer is always the same. There are three big relationships
that have been proven through research studies to repair feelings of
loss.
First of all, work with an empathetic, ethical therapist
can foster a healthy therapist-patient relationship that can rebuild an
adult attachment style. Patients learn how to depend on relationships,
to trust love and to tolerate criticism and consistent contact. If you
feel you are suffering from an attachment disorder, try to find a
therapist who specialises in attachment theory.
Secondly,
parenthood itself has been shown to heal. When people with an anxious
attachment style make different parenting choices, they actually heal
themselves along with the baby. When a parent soothes and consoles a
crying baby, rocks it to sleep, or checks on it frequently, always
assuring it that Mummy or Daddy will be close, their words and actions
also act to self-console the parent. This is probably why a recent study
showed that single parents make
great romantic partners. They know how to give care, be consistent and sacrifice.
Finally,
the dating relationship itself can become a healing place for some. If
we’re fortunate enough to choose a secure partner who can talk us down
from the ledge or not erupt in anger when we smother or retreat, then
things can calm down. Secure love can be built. Sadly, so many people
unconsciously choose the very thing they fear -- a partner who is
emotionally avoidant -- and they injure themselves again.
So what
should you do when you come home and feel lonely? Be calm. Learn to
contain yourself. Mummy (your girl) will be back. Give her time. And
when she does come back, be happy and soothing. But above all, be aware
that people with an anxious attachment disorder are most often attracted
to those who are emotionally avoidant. In fact, they get surprisingly
turned on by people who won’t meet their emotional needs. If you feel
this pattern happening with you, find a good therapist and learn to like
the nice girls, the ones who do call you back.
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