Korean Girlfriend Gets Sad And Moody...

My Response:

Hey there,
It sounds like you take care of your relationship and for the most part she's happy (from what you're saying.)

For what's causing her behavior to change - It sounds like there's something you're unaware of that's going on in her life.

We don't really know what it is but here are some things that might be bothering her because her behavior is not normal. Or rather her behavior is normal for a distressed woman.

Below are some things that might be bothering her and how you can find out what it is. There are only two ways to find out what's causing her behavior to change really. You can either

• ask questions

• recall her past behavior/conversations

When you ask questions the more specific the better. I've listed some potential areas of concern and some prodding questions to help you find out the source of the problem.

You'll know you've found the problem if you ask her the question and she goes silent and she begins to feel guilty/scared.

To help you find out what might be the problem you can recall your past conversations with her. What were things she did or said that might be clues to how she's acting now?

For example I was dating a woman who was insecure about being with me. I asked her about it and it was because she dated a foreigner once and she was always suspicious that he had more girlfriends.

So I made sure to text her regularly and remind her that she was my only girl.

So here are some things that might be causing your Korean date to act how she is.

What Might Be Causing Her Moodiness
A family issue
Maybe there' s something going on with her family. Family duty is very important for Koreans. Most probably her family is getting involved in your relationship and putting stress on her.

Is she from Korea and studying in your country? If "yes" then that's a strong possibility. Did her family immigrate to your country? If that's the case then the possibility is not as strong.

How long does she have in your country? Or is she living there for the long-haul? If she's only in your country for a short while then the 'clock' might be ticking and she's worrying about what will happen between you two.

You can ask her about her family and how it's doing. You can ask her if she's ever been with a foreigner before and how her family reacted. I also recommend asking her how long she has in your country (if it applies.)

A cultural issue
Maybe she's uncomfortable moving in with you (which is a very Western thing.) Especially if you're just dating. In Korea "moving in" is something more serious. Is your relationship getting more serious than just dating? She might be thinking about this.

You can ask her about how it's been living in your country. You can even ask her how she feels about you two living together because in Korea it's different.

Jealousy issues
Maybe you were on an emergency at work and she got jealous…thinking that you're meeting someone else. Or maybe she's jealous that you devote so much time at your job and less to her.

In this case I recommend asking her why she thinks you like her. If she's out of ideas then this might be the problem. So I would I remind her of why I like her and give details/examples.

For example I'll tell her "I loved how you cooked Korean curry for me last week. Most Koreans can't cook at all! And it was delicious."

A new guy
This one is a potential possibility and might be what's causing her behavior to change…so bear with me. She might've met someone else and is now in conflict between you two.

This might mean biting the bullet but I recommend asking her as nonchalantly as possible if she's met someone else. If she's silent on this question then chances are that she did…

You're seeing her real self/flashback
We don't show our true selves until we've been in a relationship for a few months. Maybe you're seeing her true behavior (unpredictable and confusing.) This might be how she is normally but has been hiding it from you.

This one is tough to prod about. For this one I would just ask her why her ex-boyfriends broke up with her. If it's because of incompatibility then maybe this might be a problem.

This is where looking back at her past behavior will help.

Ask And Watch

What I wrote above are some potential things that might be causing trouble. She also might be bored of the relationship but it doesn't sound like she is.

In any case she's in new circumstances and is feeling insecure about the relationship.

Have Wine With Her
In any case I recommend inviting her over and serving her a glass of wine. Through conversation I recommend asking these more specific questions and watching how she responds.

If she's quiet at any of the questions (and yet quick to answer the others) then there's a strong chance that you've hit the problem right on the head.

Please let me know what happens.

Dan Bloom

Comments for
Korean Girlfriend Gets Sad And Moody...

Average Rating

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 23, 2013
Rating

Please run!
by: Anonymous

What kind of drugs are you on? All those lies she made and you are still with her? I would run.

Dec 08, 2011
Rating

Your Answer
by: Dan

My Answer

You're very welcome.

Yes Korean family pressure is very strong. Their demands and expectations have more priority than your own. This is very different from the U.S if not the complete opposite.

Even life is perceived differently. In Korea abortion is a very common form of "contraception" (although no one talks about it).

Traditional Korean culture is a much more practical and utilitarian culture and still focuses on one thing: Keeping face and the survival of the Korean people.

Granted Koreans are changing to become more independent as their standard of living improves...which is what she was probably working for.

Eventually the past does catch up to us all and I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she has a lot more red flags than you originally thought.

It does sound like she's trying to make things right between you two but there are a lot of uncontrollable things going on.

Did you have more in your message? It seems to have cut off.

Wish you the best,

Dan Bloom

Dec 07, 2011
Rating

More Info...
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your reply.

A bit more information has come to light. It seems she is actually still married. We were talking and she mentioned that she had spoken with her mother about her life and so on. As we talked she mentioned that her Son whom she had thought was planning to go to Japan to attend university is now considering coming to the US. As we talked, she let slip that her Mom told her that her husband had relocated to San Fransisco from Korea last year and that was the motivator for her Son's decision to come to the US as well.

Taking all this in, I asked a few questions and discovered that her husband had been trying to find her, asking her parents for an address or contact information. This is when she confessed to still being legally married.

She told me early in our relationship that she had left her husband because he cheated on her repeatedly, constantly took money from her as he did not work, and basically made her life miserable. The truth I now believe is quite different. Essentially her husband had a college sweet heart that he was with prior to their marriage. His family did not approve of her, and for what ever reason, he bowed to their pressure and married my girlfriend. They had a child together, and aborted a second. Some time after that, it seems he was found to still be seeing his sweet heart, and as a result my girlfriend left him.

What a mess. What I can't understand is how a women would leave a middle class job, family and friends, and her then 10 year old son to go to a foreign country, alone and with no support structure. She does not talk about abuse or violence. Is family pressure in Korea so strong that you would basically trash your life to get out of a marriage. Would a women leave a young child just for that?

I don't know the culture or the pressures faced, I do know other Korean and Chinese women that have left a son or daughter to come here. I could never imaging leaving my own children, I did the divorce thing and yes it sucks, but I would never leave my kids for any reason. Is it so different in Korea or China. Is it time to walk away, or maybe run....

So I am in a real quandary. She has hidden a lot from me, and done so very well. She

Dec 02, 2011
Rating

Your Answer
by: Dan (BlueM)

Hey there,

Before I give you my feedback understand that my advice comes from my experience with Korea and women. I'm not a licensed psychologist although I've helped people with Korean women relationship issues for years.

The quick answer to your question is: yes and no

Let me explain.

The problem is that in Korean culture she faces severe social stigma.

As a divorced mother her generation will judge her and those Koreans won't ever really respect her.

So she finds a man like you who doesn't care about any of that. She likes it but she can't easily incorporate in your culture.

So she's stuck between her own culture that rejects her and your culture that she's having difficulty joining (language barrier, mannerisms, etc...)

Add to the mix that she lives away from her family in a foreign country and that she judges herself for her past jobs.

Finally it sounds like she's had poor experiences with men until meeting you.

In other words - there's a mess and you're discovering how deep it goes.

I think that anyone would feel depressed under these circumstances. The fact that she's Korean means that her culture is even MORE unforgiving. Her job as a Korean woman was also to

• raise a son

• take care of her families

and it sounds like she doesn't feel like she's even doing that. She might feel like she's failing herself.

Now you know more of what you're dealing with.

Good for you because many people never really know what's going on.

So what can you do?

Now that you understand what she's going through you can work with her and be very supportive or let her go.

I leave that choice to you.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

Always the best,

Dan (BlueM)

Nov 30, 2011
Rating

Follow up
by: Anonymous

I followed your advice, we had a nice dinner and a glass or two of wine. Here is what I learned (some of this is background, info I already was aware of).

For context, she has been in the US for about 7 years. She has one child back home, all of her family is in Korea (mom, dad, a brother and a sister). Se came here to get away from a nasty divorce. She was a school teacher back home, since here she was a waitress, then worked in a massage parlor and now is a waitress again. She has had two prior boy friends, both Korean. One older guy (12 years older) and one guy her age. Older guy broke it off when his wife found out they were dating, young guy was basically playing playing her for about six months on and off and they finally split.

I have two kids from a first wive, kids are both high school age. My family is all here, been divorced about 6 years. No experience with Korean women, first wife was Hispanic.

Reasons she explained why she was mad at me:

1. I had my kids over that weekend, she was upset and feeling bad because I was paying so much attention to my kids and not her.

2. She was feeling really home sick and lonely because she saw me with my kids, which made her miss her family and child.

3. She feels that she is a "bad" person from her days working at the massage parlor (while not a brothel, I am aware of how things work in an Asian massage parlor).

4. Her limited English makes her very nervous around my family and friends, she does not want to feel stupid or left out for being unable to participant in the conversation.

5. Other men are not on her radar, or even close to it. I believe her on this point, if only due to her sincerity.

She is a very sweet, caring, loving person. I have never met anyone like her. But, that day I had a view into a dark side that could really kill the deal. I have had down days, but this was scary down. To the point of her being physically sick. Not sure what to do. Is it that her background and culture make sure more susceptible to emotional issues then your average western person?

ANDY-LOVE-7777

Pages

Saturday, May 4, 2013